Hours of sleep today: 4h23m

I feel exhausted in a way that I can't even speak. Having chronic illness is pretty lonely and alienating.

I really wanted to get my blog up as soon as possible, because it feels validating to have my suffering documented. I don’t have the stamina to deal with negative feedback so my blog is read only. I don’t want people to contact me. I do however don’t want to keep it to a diary for 2 reasons.

1. I like knowing people are reading it
2. I may be able to share info that help others
3. Due to dizziness issues, I cannot traditionally journal by hand at the moment

 Update: 12:22am

So to summarize today:

• I checked out of the hotel in NY after visiting one of the top dentists there – go ahead, doxx me, it’s the Hindin Center. I want this blog to serve as a resource too for anyone with jaw troubles. It was great. I learned a lot and it made me want to document things
• I had a 4 + 1 hr uber ride home from 11am to 5pm (and traffic = +1 hr)
• I listened to “The End of Alzhiemer’s” Very important, I want my blog to talk about it. I think I have stress related cognitive decline. Which is ironic because I am so amazed all the time at what I’m capable of despite feeling like shit and brain fogged.
• I chatted with my friend on whatsapp on the way home, love her, but I was so exhausted.
• I started working on this blog in between trying to draw and feeling EXHAUSTED
• I worked on the JSON-parser (this term will never stop being funny to me because of 4chan) until I had too much brain fog to follow what I’m doing;
  • I learned that people don’t care if you use AI to help with your code
  • I also learned how to install beautiful soup today to parse my words and give a word count for my blog. Why that is important is between you and me
• Then I watched anime until about 12am, while double fisting some potato chips for dinner.

Basically I decided better a blog halfassed than to wait for it to be perfect before I start. I can always clean it up as I go now that I’ve set the foundations for it (the parser and the directories)

At 11am I checked out of the hotel in Suffern, NY

The uber drive I arranged to bring me back to my state brought a male friend along. I thought nothing of it and got in.

I told my “wrangler” (still need a nickname for my significant other) about it and he worried about me getting in a car with two men.

Normally as this is my blog, I do not have concern for my life. I have been out in the streets in the city center at 3am and I was never concerned about it. I always thought death would be a welcome. And secondly, I was always used to being worthless and ugly and never imagined being prostitutable – and ironically I think either this carefree attitude or deathly negativity scared all potential trafficker. In any case, while I personally do not have regards for getting trafficked, I didn’t want my guardian angel to lose all his feathers worrying over me so I got off at an urgent care.

So that was amusing, that I could be pretty and cared about enough to be trafficked. I genuinely felt like the two guys who picked me up were trustworthy; and I figured that his gf was just concerned he would cheat on her (as the ride there, she accompanied him to make sure he wasn’t cheating on her) which was, WILD and one of the more interesting things.

Anyways the handler figured out a scheme to get me to stop at a clinic to switch uber drivers. I was amazed at how he could come up with a scheme on the spot. I really suck at social things – and suck a lot at lying. I get all anxious thinking about lying to someone; but he said “some people can become unreasonable if they think you’re (accusing them of something)” and the fear of setting someone off was greater than the anxiety of lying. I still to the end, believe that there’s nothing wrong with those guys; but for the sake of being a responsible gf and not worrying my wrangler I don’t mind obliging with a request. Plus, I was amused at the silver lining of being pretty enough to be kidnapped or being worried over.

Anyway, at my great adult age, I should no longer be the concern of my parents anyway!

Luckily being stopped at the urgent care gave me just enough time to charge my phone, which gave me enough juice to make it all the way home.

I worked on my blog and now we’re here. I’ll make it pretty someday, but having all the hyperlinks is already leagues and worlds better than manually opening up word documents. It’s pleasant. I love having my JSON PARSER.

Actually, once I got the part where it parses my titles correct, dare I say it? I felt a modicum of happiness.

I really wanted to mope more about how I feel dead inside and I feel like I’m rotting away the days due to the insomnia. How stressed I feel. How I’m getting chubby which chokes me, but I also don’t have the strength to cook healthy foods I know I should be eating, with every ounce of energy going towards seeing doctors and going to appointments.

My dad texted me to stay optimistic; I didn’t know that he had suffered liver disease 39 years ago, and he said his optimistic attitude kept him going. Isn’t that shit fatal?! I’m amazed by his stoicism that he hasn’t complained. Unlike me, who complains endlessly. Here, I’ll complain here!

While watching anime I was really frustrated by how itchy the sheets felt with cookie crumbs. So I threw all the sheets in a bag and set up a laundry appointment to pick up my dirty bedsheets and laundry. I just came back from setting them out on the porch. A part of me feels immensely guilty that “I’m an able bodied person, I *could* do it myself, why am I wasting money and other people’s time by asking them to do it for me?” But then my entitlement kicks in. I have it really hard. Nobody has it as hard as me (exaggeration ofc, there are plenty) but of the people my age, most people are able bodied enough to go to work, or even go out and get groceries on their own or go to a theatre once in a while instead of watching all their entertainment on their phone. So let me be entitled to this laundry service. You know I don’t even have the strength to shop for clothes. And it took me months just to work up the strength to get a haircut. So… there. When I think of how I didn’t ask to be so sick, I feel self righteous that I deserve to have my life made easier. And I can afford it. Why not? People have WAY MORE than me, I should indulge in a little. Yeah. You can tell the guilt runs deep. I feel lousy, worthless, like a burden on society. I feel like I should be working. How awful! The more you think you should be doing, the less you want to do it. I was raised to enjoy and love work. IT tears me up

That goes to my next rant. I was watching Konosuba. I don’t think I’ve watched this much anime in at least 8 years. I “don’t deserve” to watch anime. I should work all the time. I should earn my keep. So it tears me up that I have to be “this sick” to deserve a break. Maybe if I had gone easy on myself and treated myself better, we wouldn’t be in such dire straits, no?

Well, that’s the kind of rambling you should expect to see on my blog. I’ll make an about-me section sometime soon so you can known the journey of once again, 11 million doctors. Several years ago, which I first dropped out, I visited 30 doctors in 1 year because of anxiety and hypochondria. And here we are again, visiting another 30 doctors in 1 year. But this time I won’t drop out, no matter how hard it is. Oh reader, if only you knew. How hard it is to just show up in class everyday. Maybe I should checkout the subreddit for chronic illness after all. I have such immense migraines just suffering through a 50 minute lecture. I don’t know how I’m going to survive my next year.